I come on LJ so that I can freely post the shit I feel and think. Facebook and even myspace are too popular for everyone to see too much of what goes on with me. I quit smoking for the most part and went from 125 ish to around 140-145. and thanks to my family genes its mostly in my stomach, my back fat, my thighs touch and ive always wished they wouldnt. I can't get over how awful i feel about this. i cant continue smoking because i had sinus surgery and a contributing factor was smoking. i cant throw up because i hate the feeling of a sore throat and how my tongue hurts after. and i cant seem to stop fucking eating. my skin is in bad shape as well and i havent broken out like this even when i was 13. my default picture is months old. i didnt realize that i looked alright until i gained this weight. i hated how i felt fat before. nothing compared to now. suicide is far from an option, been there done that and NEVER again, also lost an amazing friend to it last year. i used to cut, a lot, got help, and slip up maybe once a year. also not an option. and im so depressed and unmotivated getting to a gym would be like shoving bamboo shoots under my nails. and here it is 8am and im not asleep. why? oh yea, depression, bipolar and add in INSOMNIA. all i can think of to make me feel any better or accept myself at all is to be skinny. i may be pale but i dont mind that, i just cant be fat anymore. i took a good look in the mirror before a shower yesterday night and i was just disgusted. but how do i stop eating? where do i even start? im so sick of this and hating myself on the outside and only feeling decent about anything when i have a bipolar high. im just lost. so lost and unsure of how to even find my way back. i have no idea how to get thru this without losing this weight. i have to be skinny. i have to stop being a fucking cow. i need to. and i need to start now, but HOW?????